


These Human Emotions

by quiverkaz



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Fluff, I need you, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-20
Updated: 2013-09-20
Packaged: 2017-12-27 02:51:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/973434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quiverkaz/pseuds/quiverkaz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean finds out the real reason why castiel closed the gates of heaven</p>
            </blockquote>





	These Human Emotions

"Cas?" Dean asks firmly. " Why did you really want to close the Gates of Heaven?"

Cas swallows, and turns his back on Dean. He didn't want to have to look him in the face. He'd much rather talk to the dull, pitted concrete walls of the bunker. It would be much easier that way.

" I..." Cas starts, but he stops himself, because he's not quite sure how he would finish. If he told Dean this, it would be like baring his very own, very human soul to the hunter. His reason would be so transparent, and he knew that Dean would see right through him.

_So then why not just get it over with?_ Cas told himself. _Why wouldn't you want Dean to know?_

" Cas? "

" I-I can't tell you, " Castiel stammers, staring at a divot in the gray wall in front of him. He hears a chair get pushed back, metal legs scraping against the floor.

" Why not?" Dean says tersely. Cas can hear the hurt in his friends voice, can feel it radiating off of the body behind him. He hears quick bootsteps, and blandly notices a taught hand on his shoulder before he's spun away from the wall to face Dean. Dean holds Cas at arms length, and roughly shakes him. " Why not? " He asks, concerned " What is so bad about this, that you can't even tell me! "

That was it. That desperate strain in Deans voice that made Cas cringe. He lifts his chin, and looks Dean wearily in the eye.

" I can't tell you, Dean, because I'm a coward." Cas says weakly.

Dean meets Castiels eyes for a minute longer, then looks down and slowly removes his hand from Cas' shoulder.

" I've done so many things" Castiel starts again, his voice soft." that have hurt so many people when I thought it was for a good reason and, I'm afraid...afraid that if I say the real reason for why I did any of it, that the people I was trying to save, might hate me for it."

Dean shakes his head, " No. No, Cas. I know that the things you've done in the past haven't been the best choices, and I know I've rammed on you for those, but you can't keep blaming yourself for it all." 

Cas drops his eyes from Deans. He doesn't deserve to hear this.

" Look at me." Dean says sternly. Cas tries to turn his head away, but Dean grabs his chin and pulls his face forward, so that Cas has no choice but to look Dean square in the face. " Its not your fault, that everything you've done hasn't turned out the way you wanted it to, Cas. That's just life. That's how it is. You take risks, you mess up, _and thats okay."_ A small smile jerks at Deans lips and crinkles his eyes. " You meant well. You did what you thought was right, and thats all that matters."

Dean drops his hand from Cas' chin to let his arm swing down at his sides. " Do you get that? "

Their eyes were still locked, one unable to move from the other.

" Yes." Castiel says. " I get that."

Dean nods once, and lets the smile fall slowly off his face, mouth returning to the same serious line that it had been these days. " Good. "

He finally breaks eye contact, and Cas' heart feels like its turned sideways. _What an odd feeling,_ He thinks briefly. _These human emotions._

" But," Dean says, with an air of having things still to say " I do want to know, Cas, your real reason for trying to close the Gates of Heaven." He looks at Cas, forehead scrunched, eyes quizical. He didn't urge Cas to say anything, but left him the opportunity to start himself, and Cas was grateful for it.

Cas swallows, and walks slowly over to the huge table that was in the middle of the room. He pulls out a chair, and sits tiredly in it. Dean does the same, turning his chair so that he was facing him. He leaned forward patiently, one arm laying over his thigh, the other stretched forward so that his hand could cup his knee. Cas folds his own hands, then takes a deep breath, trying to get his thoughts in order. He looks shyly up at Dean, who nods encouragingely at him. Cas' heart thumped in his chest as he began.

" You and Sam had found a way to close the Gates of Hell. You wanted normal lives. And I knew that that wouldn't be able to happen if Heaven was still open. If the Angels were still around."

Cas looks ashamedly away from Dean "...If I was still around."

Dean frowned at that, but didn't intereced.

" If you and Sam were to live normal lives, I'd want it to be completely, without any interuptions, without anything out of the ordinary following you around." Cas stared intently at a small cut on his thumb. " I would just mess up your happiness, Dean. More than I already have. So I figured that the best place for me was locked up in Heaven, with all the other Angels, where we couldn't cause any trouble for you and Sam. And..." Cas flicked his eyes up at Dean, feeling a strange new heat under the surface of his skin. " I knew... that if I wasn't locked up somewhere, then I would never be able to stay away from you."

Dean took a sharp intake of breath, so deep that Cas felt as if the air around him was thinner. Maybe it was. Or maybe it was just him, his skin fading to the point where he had no barrier, nothing to protect him.

He stayed slumped in his chair, shoulders hunched, peering up at Dean through his eyelashes, waiting for an answer. A reaction. Anything. Anything to show that Dean had understood what he'd just said, had just confessed.

Dean still held his breath, unmoving. A stone statue.

" Dean...? "

Dean shook himself at the sound of his name, and looked angrily into Cas' eyes. So piercing was his gaze that Castiel honestly thought for a moment that he might skewer him through the skull and be pinned forever to the wall behind him.

" Dean, i'm sorr-"

" How could you believe that?" Dean rumbled, looking more terrifying than Cas had ever seen him. " How could you believe that we'd be happy without you, Cas?" 

Castiel squints his eyes " I-"

" No. After all these years, after all we've been through together, and you still think that you aren't important to me? To Sam?" Dean stands up so abruptly that his chair falls backward, his voice raising to almost a shout. 

" If you think that I could live a normal life without you, would _want_ to live a normal life without you Cas, then you've gone crazy." At this, Dean leans forward and places his hands on the arms of Cas' chair, so that he was strapped in, nowhere to go. Not that he'd want to go anywhere at this point.

Deans voice finally lowered as he met Castiels gaze. " Don't ever think that you aren't important to me Cas, because next to Sam, you are the most important thing I've got. That i'll ever have. And I don't want that to change."

He still held Cas with those piercing eyes. " Do you understand?"

Cas sat leaned back in his chair, barely breathing as he stared back at Dean, still processing what he'd just heard. He couldn't seem to find any words to say that would express how he felt. He didn't know how he would say the words if he could find them. So instead of words, Cas fell to actions.

With a rush of something akin to a deep breath, Cas grabs the front of Deans shirt and wrenches him in, pulling their mouths together, quick and furious. Dean lets out a small noise of surprise, but didn't resist. 

After a few moments of getting his message across, Cas pulls away, and lets go of Dean's shirt. Dean stays in his position for a few seconds, then slowly stands up straight, a bit of a dazed look in his eyes. Cas pushes his chair away so that he can stand up.

He waits patiently for Dean to find his own words. It takes a moment, but he eventually stutters out, " That- thats a y-yes. You, uh, understand. " He meets Cas' eyes again, and grins excuberantly.

" Good."

 

**Author's Note:**

> wow this is utter and complete shit, but i posted it anyway, so i hope you don't think its too bad


End file.
